Many years ago, when I was a mid-level HR leader, I felt that I had a lot to prove to get to the next level in my career. And so naturally, I did a lot of proving. I was well organized and prepared - for every meeting, every presentation, every interaction. I had lists and agendas and talking points. Everything I did screamed, “Look at how put together I am!”
One afternoon, as I was going over an agenda with my boss, he responded with an unusual comment. He said, “I’d like to see the version of Loala who just shows up and wings it.” I looked at him as though he had instantaneously sprouted a purple mullet - fascinated yet horrified.
Had I missed the point of the client offsite I had been preparing for? Was I doing it all wrong? He noted the look on my face and tried to explain. “You’re always so well prepared. But what would it be like to just show up and use your big brain?” he asked. This feedback was world-tilting for me, and at the time I had no idea how to apply it.
Thinking about it now, I see that it was decent advice, but it also ignored the challenges I faced as a woman and the differences in our seniority. He was in a senior leadership role on a very male-dominated leadership team. He could easily walk into a meeting and wing it because of the standing he held in the company. If there had been a “prove it” period in his career, it had faded into the forgotten past. As a young woman in middle management, there were still very real pressures for me to show what I was capable of. So I ignored his advice at the time and kept hustling. A decade of the hardest work I’ve ever done (both at work and at home).
I don’t regret any of it, but damn, it was tough. I drove myself so hard. Until I couldn’t anymore. You may have heard my burnout story already. It has a happy ending because it led me to start Intrinsic and become the coach I am today. And eventually, it led me back to that advice from my manager years ago.
What he was talking about was the concept of being versus doing. So many of us spend so much of our time doing. We take on more and more until we are bursting at the seams with tasks and responsibilities. We stay organized and think three paces ahead. We are prepared and practiced and put together.
Just being means showing up as our authentic selves and being totally present, but requires very little beyond that. We just show up. Because that is enough.
I recognize that even now, it can be incredibly hard to find the space to be instead of do. There is so much pressure on women to do it all, all of the time. We understand the headwinds that we face because of our gender. We internalize the need to be better and do more. I look at my 10-year-old daughter and I see the inherent hustle in her, and it makes me proud but also sometimes sad.
The pressure to always be doing can be a crushing weight to carry on our shoulders. And it can also feel scary to even think about putting it down.
Yet, when we give ourselves permission to just be, the result can be so delightful for us and the people around us. Often all they need is for us to show up, pay attention, and share ideas.
As we celebrate Women’s History Month, I have a wish for all of the women I know - my fierce, beautiful friends, family, clients and colleagues. I’d like us to find a way to put down the to-do list and let go of the hustle where we can. To offer our unscripted, unrestrained brilliance to the world, and delight more in our full presence and authenticity.
My wish is that we all get to experience the joy and freedom of more being and less doing.
