When my son was two, someone played the Beastie Boys for him. And that was it, he was obsessed with their music. Sabotage was his favorite song, and we played it over, and over, and over for him. Even now, I could probably sing every word of that song.
Sabotage still plays in my head sometimes. Partly because I listened to it at least ten times a day for more than a year. And partly because much of the work I do with clients (and to be honest, with myself) has to do with managing our saboteurs. In this context, it’s not the Beastie Boys form of sabotage. Rather, the saboteurs are an inside job.
They are the voices inside our own head. They are nasty, judgmental thoughts that consistently tell us we’re not good enough, we’re not smart enough, and who do we think we are.
This problem has many names- harsh inner critic, imposter syndrome, gremlin. It’s all used to describe the voices that mean to protect us, but really just hold us back. Many of us listen to them because we think that they keep us safe, or make us successful. We think those voices make us who we are. The truth is, the voices that constantly sit in judgment of ourselves, of others and of our circumstances actually just get in the way of what we really want.
So what do we do about it? We figure out how to disrupt the saboteurs. We learn how to recognize when we are triggered and they’re doing the talking. We practice re-centering ourselves and listening to our wiser voice.
When my saboteur is talking, it usually has to do with control. My saboteur has a desire to control everything so things will go the way I want them to. She’s so controlling that it can often blow up in my face and harm my relationships. When I picture this saboteur, I think of a strong, powerful Viking woman. Let’s call her Helga. She’s a badass, she is fully in charge, and there is no arguing. Because she’s scary. I can tell when Helga is trying to control things, because I’m suddenly very critical of those around me. They’re doing it wrong. They’re late, or inefficient. If only they would listen to me.
A great example of Helga unleased at home is our family Christmas tree. Everyone comments on how beautiful it is, how well coordinated. All of the decorations match and they’re all carefully placed. Whenever someone comments, the rest of my family rolls their eyes. Because Helga was in charge of that tree. She won’t let anyone hang an unapproved ornament. Even if its sentimental or hand-made. She’s been known to let the family decorate the tree and then sneak back in later that night to pull everything off and start over so that its done right. And don’t even get her started on the year that her brother-in-law tried to hang the tree lights. Disaster.
Helga’s obsession over a coordinated Christmas tree is fairly low stakes. My family rolls their eyes and tolerates her. But there are many times when listening to this saboteur is high stakes for me. When it is detrimental and damaging to the people I care about. So I work hard on intercepting her. When I notice myself getting critical, I take a step back and breathe. I ask myself, “what am I trying to control and why?” Most of the time, I stop talking, stop trying to intervene and just let things unfold. And most of the time, it feels better. And the outcomes are just fine. Maybe not the way I would have done them, but just fine.
What does your saboteur sound like? We all have one.
What makes you want to listen to it? We all justify this with a good reason.
What does it cost you? We all pay a price.
Even Helga would tell you that its possible to make changes, and stop listening to your saboteurs. 😊 Reach out to learn more about how to intercept them.