Deep inside me lurks a harsh inner critic, a saboteur. She seeks to control everything around her in order to ensure the right outcomes. She tells me that if she doesn’t control everything, it will all go to hell. I’ll lose my autonomy and others will seek to control me.
I’ve nicknamed her Helga, and picture her as a very strong, very badass Viking lady. Admittedly, she’s kinda scary. You really don’t want to mess with her. (If you’ve met Helga personally, my deepest sympathies and best wishes for a quick recovery.) 😊
The first time I walked into my daughter’s fourth grade classroom, Helga’s voice got pretty loud in my ear. It was the décor. Spanning the entire length of multiple walls were black and white photographs of Albert Einstein. At least two dozen of them. It looked as though someone had cut up multiple Einstein of the Month calendars and plastered them to the classroom walls. I looked around for the presence of other inspiring (female) leaders. Nothing. Just a single, signed photo of Richard Nixon. Heaven help me.
(Helga and) I returned home fuming. How was my nine-year-old daughter supposed to find confidence and inspiration when all she sees is photos of successful old white men? I love a good Einstein photo, but come on. I stewed on this for weeks until coming up with a solution. I would buy framed posters of inspiring women leaders and give them to the teacher as a holiday present. Perfect! Helga sat back, fully satisfied.
The posters arrived in the mail in December. I proudly displayed them for my daughter, explaining my brilliant plan to gift them to her teacher. Strangely, she was less than impressed. Actually, she was mortified. “Mom, how am I supposed to tell him that he needs to have women leaders on the walls?” she lamented. “Tell him just like that!” I instructed.
Much wailing and stomping ensued. She refused to take them to school. I told her I would just do it myself then. Well, actually Helga told her.
And normally, Helga would do just that. She would take over and force the issue. She would diligently wrap and deliver the posters to the classroom herself. But I’ve been working on quieting Helga down. I know now how to notice my saboteurs and intercept them. So this time I told Helga to pipe down and I just left the posters propped in a corner of my office. The box sat there for months. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with them.
And then one day they weren’t there anymore.
“Where’s the box of women leader posters?” I asked my daughter.
“I took them to school and gave them to my teacher,” she replied. My eyebrows shot up. Helga recoiled a bit. “You did? What did you say?” I asked.
“I gave them to him and told him that me and my mom thought these would look nice in the classroom,” she explained.
“Very diplomatic of you,” I praised. “So you didn’t raise the issue of the over abundantly patriarchal décor?” I followed up.
This is where her mouth quirked into a sly smile. “Well, I didn’t tell him that. But I showed the posters to some girls in my class before I gave them to him. I told them the real reason that I was doing it. And they said they were glad I did,” she shared. She beamed at me in a knowing way that belied her short years. I beamed back. Helga went off to lick her wounds.
And just like that, the problem was solved in the most beautiful way. Because I had done nothing about it. Not A Thing. My smart daughter had time to think through the issue and solve it on her own terms. She got to be a leader to her peers in a small yet significant way. I got to empower her rather than take over for her.
The outcome of this situation inspired me. I could do nothing, and things could work out even better than I hoped for! What else was I trying to control that really didn’t need my interference? Where could I take a back seat and just let things unfold?
I think we all have a little bit of Helga in us. And there’s a real opportunity to control less and observe more. The first step is to ask the question, “What am I trying to control, and why?” And then maybe, “What would happen if I just did nothing here?” Try it out and see what happens. Pick a problem and decide to do nothing about it. The outcome might just surprise you. 😊