Which question do you lean towards - the one about what you need, or what you need to get done? I am firmly in the latter camp. As soon as I wake up in the morning (and sometimes the middle of the night) my mind anxiously swirls on what I need to get done. The email I forgot about, the appointment I need to schedule, the friend I haven’t responded to, the proposal I need to write. And that’s just my list - there’s also a separate list of tasks on behalf of each person in my family.
My coach recently asked me, “what do you need?” Being oriented to asking myself the other question, I had no answer to this one. The question rolled around my brain like a loose marble and found no purchase. It bothered me that I couldn’t come up with the answer that day. So I began asking myself more often. Especially when I first woke up. Instead of the early morning “What do I need to get done?” I shifted it to “What do I need?”
When the answers finally started rolling in, they were surprising. I’m laying in bed, waiting for the alarm to go off, and thinking that what I really need is to go outside today and feel the sun. Or talk to a friend. Or ask for help on a project. One morning, the answer was to cancel those afternoon meetings. Another day, it was to go back to sleep for an hour.
After a couple of weeks with the new morning query, I found that (shockingly!) the to-do lists were still there. But they weren’t the first thing that I oriented to. I got in the habit of first thinking about how to fill my needs so that I could do the things on that list and feel good about them. I could do them with more ease. I could feel better about my day because I was considering my needs.
I’m so grateful to my coach for asking me that question.
When’s the last time you asked yourself what you need? Chances are, it’s been a while. Maybe like me, you’re more in the habit of asking what you need to do. Maye you’d like to go easier on yourself, and begin benefiting from a day that includes fulfillment of your own needs. Here are some ideas for getting started:
Try the question reframe. When you start ruminating on your to-do list, ask what you need in order to complete those tasks. This isn’t about what steps you need to take for the task. It’s about how you will fulfill your needs so that you’ll be well equipped to go get it all done.
Anticipate your needs. Have something big coming up? What will you need before and after? I recently scheduled a spa appointment for the day after a big event when I knew I would feel depleted. It made a huge difference!
Share them with others. Vocalizing our needs to others can help make sure they get met. What can you use help with? What do you want those around you to be aware of or sensitive to? Often after a full day of coaching appointments, I let my family know that I need some time without any talking.
Remind yourself you DO have the time. The biggest obstacle to meeting our needs is time. In reality, when we say we don’t have time, we are saying our needs are not important. It helps for me to remind myself that time is about priorities, and my needs are a priority.
Remember, when we show up for ourselves, we show up for all the people in our life who are depending on us.