Are you really listening?
How good are you at listening? I mean the kind of active listening that puts singular, focused attention on another person.
Most people think they are a better listener than they actually are. Even if you’re a great listener, you probably still find yourself in moments every day where you are listening far less than you intended.
Case in point: I frequently find myself responding to my kids with, “Can you say that again, honey?” This request for them to repeat themselves is a good sign that I’ve been tuned out and focused on something else. When repeated, my kids’ comments can be anything from an inquiry about what’s for dinner, to a disclosure of problem that has them deeply worried. I’m never sure what I’m going to get, and I work hard to redirect my full attention to the conversation.
These are the people that matter to me most in the whole world, and I still find it difficult to concentrate on listening to them.
Why is it so darn hard to listen attentively to the conversations that matter the most to us? I teach a workshop on coaching skills for people leaders. We always start the workshop with this question: What are the obstacles to really listening? Here are some of the common answers I hear in the workshops:
You’re thinking about what you need to say next.
You assume that you know what the other person is going to say.
You’re distracted by _____________. (Fill in the blank with text messages, emails, to do lists, interruptions, etc.
You don’t have enough time.
These obstacles are real, and they are pervasive. There are also steps you can take to get better at overcoming them.
As an Executive Coach, I make a living on listening attentively to my clients. I’ve been well trained in how to create the right environment to foster connection, discovery and growth. I’ve also learned how to overcome the most common obstacles to listening. Here are a few simple strategies:
1. Get the setting right
It’s easy to enter into an important conversation with multiple distractions that can sabotage your efforts to listen. Pick the right time of day when you have the energy to be fully present. Find a setting where you won’t be interrupted. Put away your phone. (Set a timer if you need to manage the clock.) Close down email if you’re meeting virtually.
2. Be patient
You may have important points to make during the conversation. Don’t let them hijack your attention. Instead, jot down a few notes before the meeting and then set it aside while the other person is talking. Have faith that when it is your turn to talk, you will have the chance to reference your notes and gather your thoughts. Be patient for your turn and focus on the other person while it’s their turn.
3. Prioritize the conversation
Make ample time for important conversations. It’s easy to get caught up in your to-do lists and the day’s fire drills. These things are important, but the single most effective thing you can do with your time is have a high-quality conversation with the people that are most important to you. These kinds of conversations prevent misunderstandings, deepen relationships, strengthen engagement and foster growth. They matter more than anything else on your to-do list.
When you put these three strategies together, you create a drastic shift in the quality of your conversations. People will tell you that you make them feel seen and heard. You will walk away from important discussions with a different level of understanding and impact.
Which of the conversations in your life feel worthy of deeper listening? Pick one strategy and try it out for a week! I’d love to hear from you. What results did you see?
If you’re looking for coaching to strengthen your listening skills, reach out!
Intrinsic also offers workshops for leaders on active listening and other foundational coaching skills.
